Dark Thoughts – The Gutting Knife

The seething anger for the sleeping blob had hit a boiling point today. It was nothing he did, or for that matter did not do. Simply he existed. Worse still, I lived with him. The sound emanating from his body could easily have been and entire forest being cut with a noisy gas powered chair saw. Occasionally it would sputter like an uneven piston engine when it hasn’t been tuned for a while. It would even stall, and I would hope, wish, every time that it would not start up again. Then there would be silence. Then I could sleep too.

I felt a salty tear roll down my cheek. I was not crying. I was quite sure I was not crying, but I also could not stop the tears coming. My hand as though it was not even my own reached under my pillow and pulled out the fish gutting knife. I had bought it today at the mall. One of the few times in my life I gave into an impulse. The knife had reached out to me and I had reached for it, with a credit card. Probably not a very swift move if I were to murder him.

Good God, why had I not thought of that. What point was there in murdering him if life were not going to be free. Free to move, free to travel, free to get a fucking night’s sleep without the forestry industry here sleeping and seating right beside me. That would be bloody pointless. No fucking way. If I killed him it was to set me free, not to set the world free. Slaughtering or murdering him would not be a selfless act, it would be a gift to myself.

The tear kept rolling as I put the knife back under my pillow. I put my feet into my soft terry slippers and shuffled into the kitchen where I sat watching television in the middle of the night, in the background hubby was felling those imagined trees. Tomorrow morning when he went off to work, I would sleep. One day I would have my nights back for sleeping.

aletta mes